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Sad Eyes

I saw you.

Your smile,

Your style,

Your wit,

Your guile.

You’re fascinating.

You’re a risk taker.

You’re passionate.

But you’re sad.

Why are you sad?

What holds you down?

What makes you mad?

What’ll make you glad?

Why are you sad?

Choices. Choices. Choices.

We live with their outcomes.

We yield to their demands.

We succumb to their tasks.

But we’re sad.

But we smile.

That smile.

That smile hides a million wants.

That smile focuses on the present.

That smile forces us to move on.

But you’re sad.  

Almond shaped, glistening eyes.

Twinkling with kindness.

Tells a story you try to hide.

One not worth revealing.

As you push on throughout your day,

Know that there’s someone

Who can see,

Your smile,

Your style,

Your wit,

Your guile,

Your eyes,

Your sad eyes.

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Ingrate=Miserable

You know someone.

You know someone who is always miserable.

They complain about life, work, their spouses, their children, or lack thereof.

They come across as never being satisfied.

They’re annoying.

An ungrateful person will turn any situation into an opportunity to play victim.

They are conniving, but come off as sweet and helpless.

Beware.

No need in wasting time with these ones.

Their lives suck because they don’t know how to look at their situation as opportunities to do better.

They cannot get out of their place of lack, and imagine that each failure is a step towards their goals.

They don’t think that someone is doing much worse than they are.

They cannot imagine their situation can be worst.

We’ve probably all been there. I sure have. I’ve been the ingrate.

Misery.

Misery is linked to being in a space of ungratefulness.

If this is you, change your attitude.

Know that counting your “bliss” will help your chakra ascend.

Go to that place of peace.

Oh, there’s nothing to be grateful for? Your life is the shits?

  1. Are you breathing?
  2. Do you have access to clean water?
  3. Do you have a bed/couch/floor in a warm place to sleep?
  4. Do you have clothes?
  5. Do your legs and arms work?
  6. Does your brain still work?
  7. Are you able to eat?

If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, you are winning.

Most times, our situation changes with but a thought.

Change your thinking. Make plans. Today is not tomorrow.

Stop driving yourself into the ground with negative thoughts. Drive those away!

Remember, no one owes you anything. But you owe the world your gift. Find it. Share it. And that step towards your life purpose will change everything.

Remember to be grateful for the little things. That way, the universe rewards you with more to be grateful for.

Never forget a hand that helps you. Be loyal to those who are in your corner. Be grateful for the friend who is always there to help you, listen to you, put up with your shit.

Stop playing victim. Be honest to yourself. Analyze your situation and take ownership of your own decisions which have put you there. Then, design your plan of how to get yourself out. There is ALWAYS a way out.

Be kind to yourself. Stop bad-mouthing yourself. It’s pathetic, actually. You are born with special gifts and talents. Being special is a choice. If you do nothing with what you have, “special” doesn’t just fall upon you. Be great! Be special. However, sitting around moping about lack is actually diminishing your light. You’ll make yourself sick. Stop it.  

So, let’s go over this again. If you want to get out of your misery, start being grateful! Challenge yourself-keep going. You deserve peace. You deserve happiness. And we deserve to not put up with your crabby ass!

Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier

Numb.Dumb.

Am I numb or dumb?

The question is valid. One term does not negate the other.

Numb to your words-swords wielded to hide, abide, impose a belief, a lie.

Dumb to what is real, ideal, what you reveal, in every breath of your life.

Numb to what I should feel, what you steal like your ancestors taught you.

Dumb to what I deserve, what you serve, your nerve, to observe me

Numb to what ought not be, us, you and me, makes no sense in any reality

Dumb to what ought to be, queen, me, king, you, seeds, us, royalty

Numb to pain, gain, freedom, slain, heartbeat, sustains, life maintains

Dumb to loss, the costs, the contracts, the con, the tracts, bad deals, intact

Numb to love, hate, fear, fate, possibilities mate, lovers abate

Dumb to what’s left in the wait, bait, a date, to relate, my choice to vacate

Numb to reality, real lie, spy, cry, die, deceive, receive, a pile, of bile

Dumb to levels, degrees, merits, values, assets, carbon, magic, cosmic channels

Numb to justice, it’s just…us, what is just is, just is, nothing

Dumb to pockets, dockets, sockets, holes, deepening the space of where carbon molds

Numb to you, inflated glob of goals, moles, trolls, roles, no soles, because you have no soul.

Dumb to yield, relinquish, power, my ore-my skull, my mind, mine

Numb to relation-ships, friend-ships, court-ships, owner-ship, rider-ship, space-ship-dumb shit

Dumb. Numb. Mum. Mute. Voiceless. Overlooked. Disregarded. Dumb. Numb.

 

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To love, self first

I had a conversation with an old friend today, about loving a person. We search for love in the most common places-never truly understanding all which it entails, or how we can really feel fulfilled by the love we seek. For anyone seeking love, know this-self first. It is easy to find “love”.  Later, you may find that that’s not what you had in mind. Some of us don’t know the difference between love and lust. The latter is short term. For deeper connections, you want the verb, that being, action oriented idea that the partner you find wants to build something meaningful with you.

Finding love must be intentional. However, to maintain a healthy balance, it must first be met with a centered starting place. And that is, a place where the love is radiating from self. Self care, appreciation, esteem, and knowing what you will and will not accept. We all have nuances of what we can accept from a partner. And yours and mine may be different, and that is okay. Know what your limits are-remind yourself of what your needs are. And do not compromise upon that. While there will be space to compromise in any relationship, there should be limits upon which you will not negotiate. For if you do, you’ll regret it later. Stay true to yourself, and remain open to learn and understand.

You are lovable, worthy of love and emotional balance. However, expecting another to balance you, or your love is delusional. One must find emotional balance by accepting and loving oneself first. Otherwise, you give what you do not have. What you’ll project, and yearn for, will come from a place of desperation and want. You, lacking in self love, can only give a burdensome version of need. It does not become you. The next time you feel like you need love, practice self love. Attract the love you want.

Self love practice:

  1. Tell yourself how much you love yourself.
  2. Languish in your hygiene and beauty regiments: Take extra care to focus on your bathing, lathering yourself; washing off the dark energy which has got you down; let your hands hold yourself and give gratitude for each part of you. Take time to lotion and oil your entire body afterwards-always in the direction towards your heart. If you wear make-up, take your time. Moisturize your face, stroking upwards. Smile all the while. Continue to tell yourself how beautiful is each inch of you.
  3. Dress in your best, flattering attire, depending on what your next move.
  4. Get a massage, or day at the spa. Get a manicure/pedicure.
  5. Go for a walk with yourself.
  6. Go out to lunch with yourself.
  7. Sit under a tree or sunbathe, or sit by the beach, replaying all your accomplishments. By the way, if you are at this point, you’ve accomplished much!
  8. Stay off social media. Just don’t check it.
  9. Declare to your friends and family that this is your, “Love on ME day”! (When your energy of attraction begins to flow, your phone may begin to go off-you’re doing it, attracting others with all this love energy; but don’t stop your vibe; disregard non-emergency messages and focus on self.)
  10. In between this meditation, repeat to yourself: I am love; I am ready to receive love; I deserve love. I am lovable. I love ME!
Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier · 2 Comments

My 8-year-old self healed me last night

I saw the gleam in her eyes first. She was short, but her slender appearance made her seem taller. Her dark chocolate skin shone and the sun’s rays bounced off the glistening fine hairs on her arms. She was me. And I watched her with curiosity. At first, I didn’t realize it. It was the familiarity of her smile, her spirit, that drew me in.

I did not realize I was in a dream, alternate universe-even. And at the moment I recognized the little girl I was staring at, I thought I had surely died, and all my selves were coming together…

She spoke first. “I know you. You used to always visit my dreams. Did you come from New York?”

Then I remembered how I had always believed I would move to New York. Live in Manhattan. Make a lot of money. Live in a high rise with floor to ceiling windows with panoramic views of the city. I’d have three boyfriends. Wow. Had I failed in life? “No-no,” I stuttered, focusing back to the little girl. “You know me?” I looked at her questionably as I cautiously approached her.

“Yes.” She said, decidedly.

I looked around and passersby without faces hurried to their unknown destinations. Traffic ensued busily as normal. But the space between us was incredibly still.

 

As I studied my young subject with a deepening curiosity, it all came back.

 

I don’t remember being so confident at that age. I gasped at her-grief-stricken, and awed at the same time. I studied her smiling face, and tears welled up my eyes. My nostrils burned and flared for air, and my palms sweated.

 

My heart galloped, and my voice lost its musical notes to what seemed like its final sigh of epiphany. Of course! This is precisely the time before I was molested. This is the Me before my innocence was ripped from me-when I was trusting, shining and lovely. This was the brilliant little girl all the teachers loved. This was the one who dreamed of being a mermaid, a TV anchor, and Supreme Court Judge. This was the one who fantasized about feeding all the hungry children in the world, and find some kind of ecological way to end famine and drought.

 

“Ah,” Little Me said with a wisdom that mismatched her size, “I see you remember.” She walked up to me, and gently took my hand. Her gaze and sweet smile never leaving my face. She said, “I’m glad you remember. And I’m just here to remind you to let it go. It’s okay. All that has happened to us, has made you who you are. You are okay.”

Then, she guided me down the street of our familiar neighborhood, and continued talking, “I remember you” she said again. “You were so helpful. You would visit me in my dreams. And tell me to be strong. You told me that I would get through it. That I would be fine. You told me that, He may touch our physical body, but we are spirit. And He couldn’t touch that. Don’t you remember?”

The tears streamed down my face incessantly. I listened to Little Me in silence. We walked.

As she talked, I remembered Me-that Grace Jones-strong-Black-woman-with-the-Mohawk, look-alike, who would come talk with me in my dreams, give me strength each night that I had silently cried myself to sleep.

I stopped and turned to her, “I do remember,” I said quietly. “Wow. I do.” And I hugged myself so tightly.

Then, Oya, Yemeya and Oshun formed a ring around us. Their light was blinding, but I their warmth and love permeated my being. Captured by their pervasive light, we were absorbed by it, transforming into it, and pulsing in the love of light which now blanketed us, fusing us into one, turning us in the fire, that I now recognized as the sun. We had become the sun.

The light of peace. The light of love. The light of the Sun.

And like that, I was peace.

I was love.

I was the Sun.

I was whole again.

 

Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier

Real Girlfriends: Is that even possible?

Is it possible to have real girlfriends in 2010’s?

I find that as I grow older, I seek to cultivate and maintain female relationships. I think it is healthy for women to have supportive relationships.

I did not always think this way-that we should trust female relationships. I always thought those to be superficial at best, and spaces of gossip and contention at worst. I blame my not-so-trusting mom for raising my sister and I to not fully trust women.

So, up until about 15 years ago, with this debilitating belief that women could not be trusted , I maintained that I didn’t need female friends-at least not new ones. With the “No new friends” motto firmly tucked under my armpit, I sought to maintain ones of old…old elementary school friends. But even those relationships expired without so much as a bounce of thunder. These friendships melted into a lifeless mold, running and burning its course as if destiny herself guided it forth, without so much of a fuss or effort. We grew apart. We love each other, but we’re no longer the same people. Our beliefs had changed, our priorities had changed. And with each life event, our lifestyles had also changed. Over the course of the years, our once lively, contagious and respectively dependent relationships came to an uneventful end.

I didn’t realize that those relationships were over. Partly because they were over without notice.

I was in the throws of motherhood. I had overcome post-partum depression. I was pouring my energy into teaching my three baby girls all I knew. At the same time, I had this unrelenting thirst for knowledge because I wanted to have something of substance to give them. Their learning became my tasks of learning, and seeking to acquire more to give. An empty vessel has but that to give.

Because I understood what I lacked in my life, what my man could not give me, I had a newfound connection to how women approached life. I understood, firsthand, how inadequate a Black woman could feel due to lack. And “lack” is beyond monetary needs. But lack of support, friendship, confidence, education, resourcefulness, grounding, power, spiritual contentedness. And I wondered where it was, and how I would go about acquiring it. How could I share it with other women, to help stop their tears? The tears which could not be explained, except through the understanding that we women were lacking something.

But what I found, was that through my creative work, I healed. Then, I unintentionally developed relationships. I never saw myself as a gregarious member of the community. But I was suddenly attractive to women. As I became more comfortable in my skin, I inadvertently  acquired friends-no, sisters. I couldn’t control the care I felt for their growth and  well-being. I understood my mom and sister more. I understood my global sisters more. I became a womanist.

A womanist is one who supports other women. She loves women and is there, as a sister, to celebrate and lament victories and disappointments.

Men should encourage this. But some don’t. 

Women who keep friends are healthier. Granted, we should all mind the company we keep. And not all company is good company. However, I remain determined in the belief that there are good people-women, out there. And together, we’re happier; we accomplish great things while we enjoy life. As pillars of society, we can make our world better, not just for our children, but for each other, our people.  As  Audre Lorde says, “Black women sharing close ties with each other, politically or emotionally, are not the enemies of Black men.”

That is the general thought, isn’t it? That Black women congregating means it is to the detriment of Black men?

I believe the contrary. Real Black women support Black men.  The war on Black families can be healed through the cultivation of real girlfriends-sisters, that is. That’s community. That’s our village. Together, we build nations.

A real girlfriend is a mother, a sister, a counselor, a doctor, a spiritual healer, a work-out buddy, a motivator, a cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, a baby-sitter, an advice giver, a critic, and confidant. A real girlfriend is you. Be a real girlfriend! Then, you won’t have to ask if it’s even possible to have real girlfriends in the 2010’s.

Just my thoughts.

Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier · 1 Comment

Baby boy, bye-bye!

Damn!
Some days I love ya
Some days I don’t
Some moments I miss ya,
Sometimes I won’t
You is my friend,
Yes, you is my lover
But I see spaces of insecurity
So go back to yo’ motha
I have a mind to fuck another
For the resentment that you hide
Can’t fathom I’ve even settled
Like the shores at low tide
I think I see you half empty
When I should be seein’ half full
For all yo’ great talents
I can’t get past all the bull
It’s not like we married
You ain’t get no divorce
And after six years,
You still have no remorse
But I’m in my fullness,
Baby boy, you got ta go
No time for stagnation
I can’t take this shit no mo’!
Bye Bye, little boy
Yo’ coins insufficient
To maintain a repressed whore
Who can’t afford to pay attention
Baby boy, bye bye
Cuz you make my pussy dry
We use to fuck so good
Now, I don’t even try
But you good, right?
You got bitches after you
After all, you did me a favor,
Fatherin’ones who ain’t belong to you
I always said, Thank you
For holdin’ it down wit my girls
It’s time for us to set out in our own lil world
So go on complainin’
To whoever will listen
You can put it all on me,
Fo’ this pussy you missin’
Bye bye, ole lover
You ain’t runnin’ dis shit
Not my mind, or nuthin’ else,
Gon’ an getchu anotha bitch!Image

Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier · 2 Comments

Life is Love

Goddess of Love am I, keeper and giver of love

 Wholeness of being, with room for Life

So love is no longer a phantom of God

And God is no longer the phantom of Life

Is love not the wholeness which encompasses The All?

If Life is love and love is Life, then like the Hawk’s wings, it spreads its might

And like the air, its pervasiveness needed

 To fill my vessel with harmonious light

In my deepest core,

With its birthing Love

Life, so present, no phantom, no magic

And its darkest wisdom

Of what forms our balance

 This ties me to you

Then, now, and ever more

More than just longing infused at my pumping door

A socket for Life’s great and thriving nature

So Life is, when we decidedly intertwine…

In spirit, wholeness, and love divine

And Life is, when your sweet whisper’s cry

Is heard by my ancestors when I reply

And Life is you inside of me        

And when I burst all rainbows’ beams

And Life is us, in tight embrace

When we are close or distant space

So Life is that wholeness, we seek to find

Leaving our beings and hang ups behind

A call or whisper of my name,

So we find our bodies, yet again

In Life, and Spirit, and Wholeness within

You are my breath

And life

And pain 

Posted on by Journey of a Cultural Carrier · 1 Comment

Black Feminism/Collaborative Heart

There are wide degrees of ideals and philosophies surrounding the term feminism. Feminism or to be a feminist has become (or always was) somewhat of a dirty word. It carries an ominous connotation which includes recklessness, boldness, defiance, egocentricity, obnoxious, strong-willed, demeaning of men, Lesbian, man-haters, ball-crushers, Bitch, and the list goes on…something which seemed to be important in the development of womanhood-to empower and embrace self has become a place of judgment. This judgment is served from our male counterparts, partners, women alike and even other feminists, and even feminists of other “colors”…so it becomes this tangle web of layers, from micro to macro aggressions which we face head on, in this labyrinth of being and existing.

My question then is, how do I walk in my strength and power without diminishing the efforts of my partner? My philosophies surrounding the greatness of women does not include keeping or placing my partner in the position of a footstool. Neither do I wish to have such a partner. For I think, whether your partner is of the same or opposite sex, what (at least for me) remains attractive and sexy, is confidence. What I love in a person is the spirit. I love a shining spirit which is fearless, kind, loving, humble, easy-going, funny and yet, powerful…and when that person knows this, I’m liable to lose my mind! It is indeed sexy to have a mate who understands the worth and contribution brought to your world, without having to hear about it in a nagging, bitchy way. The balance is: Be confident. But not obnoxious. Be secure and grounded, but not too passive. Be gregarious, but don’t behave as a 4-year-old who needs to be the complete center of attention and my world. Be assertive, but not overbearing and overpowering. And don’t you dare think that you can control or manipulate me.

So, can I be a bold feminist, and still exhibit some femininity? And will my graceful swag of being a woman (Slithering wiley with one leg gently before the other, gracefully allowing my arms to sway in it’s own dance with the wind, accentuating the sway of my hips in the figure 8, and allowing my eyes to smile and curve into an almond shape, half closed, but piercing-to pull you in, while the soft pillows of my lips pour deliciously sweet and richly articulated language that hypnotizes your senses) diminish my intelligence? Position? Am I still not a feminist when I decide to stop-pick my battles, let you win this one? Have I succumbed to the subjugation of an abusive relationship? (I’m always testing and analyzing my relationships to ensure that I’m not indeed in one)

Nevertheless, my answer is no. All relationships deserve some type of compromise, collaboration. There are indeed deal breakers. But, for the most part, through communication and having a bad memory, we can survive it. My goals surrounding relationships include to never lose myself. I will love you with every fiber in me; but you will not overpower my life. For in essence: I belong to no one. And you do not belong to me. Every day together is a gift unto each other. And that to me, is the present. And, a partner who NEEDS constant attention, and is threatened by the friendships I have with other people either needs to be trained or let go.

It is healthy to have friends. Friends are a necessary and valuable addition to your life. Choose your friends wisely. And cut the bad ones, the parasites, QUICKLY. Friendship is about give and take-after all, it is indeed a relationship. Friendship (and I’m not talking sex here) is intimate, passionate, and supportive of each other’s growth. This is why, in any marriage, or sexual relationship, the friendship component is crucial. It is the foundation to a life long partnership. So, appreciate and nurture the friends in your life which are compartmentalized into sections of your life which serves you and them. While your friends don’t share your bed, they share your lives. And the same rules of balance and respect applies.

So, did I go off into a deep tangent? Not really. I was pleasantly surprised this weekend. I needed my sisters. My friends. And I’m usually a private person, and don’t often discuss my relationship issues. However, I learned that we all go through the same things; and a strong word of advice from a friend, a sister can really help. I learned, that sometimes, all you can do is cry. And a good sister/friend will hold you. And let you cry. I learned that a friend who loves you will not join in and bash your partner-she will come and respectfully listen to both sides, and provide solid objective advice. Her heart is pure, without envy for you. She wants you to be happy. She wants your partner happy. She wants what you want. And will tell you when you’re wrong. That is true Black feminism.

So, to go back to the initial train of thought…Black Feminists, we can be strong. We can be bold. And yes, we can compromise, and collaborate. We can uplift our partners, and humble ourselves. We can let ’em win. We can work things out. And let go. No fighting. We can be silent. And that is true power.